I love you the most.

4:10am
Snugged under the comforts of my comforter. Stop this train by John Mayer on replay on my itunes. An occasional chuckle at the thought of Ry's chubby photo. Staring at the whiteboard in front of me that says Week 9, reminding me that i wrote that last semester and it's already Week 10 of the current semester and how time flies. Also on the whiteboard are words of affection inscribed by Ry before he left. 


When you wake up this morning, remember these:
God loves you, thank him daily.
I'm two hours behind you, but probably into my second cup of coffee.
Keep yourself warm today, and try to to tidy your room just a little more.
Order one chai latte in the morning and one cappuccino, two sugars in the evening.
I am constantly thinking of you and checking my whatsapp frantically. 
Nov 30th, i'll pick you up from Changi airport.
Mel, Ryan loves you so much. You put a smile on his face.
3 months, just 3 more short months. 
-Ryan.


Naturally, i was in tears as i read and re-read this on the afternoon that he left 4 weeks ago. It still warms the cockles of my heart as i see it when i wake up and before i go to bed. 

Almost finally out of words.

At a point where words gets so tangled up i don't know how to undo it, how to fix it and how to feel about it. I don't like feeling helpless. I like knowing what to expect and what to do. I want affirmation of the unforeseeable; as unrealistic as it sounds. I want to say that i've got it all figured out but i can see all the certainties that i used to have slowly diminishing right before my eyes. 

Her undying love; undying love.

I was sitting in Philosophy lecture today, baffled by topics such as Pataphysics and Comic Irony while battling with a throbbing headache that won't seem to go away. And no, the headache wasn't cause by the unfathomable questions that were questioned in class.

I started thinking of my grandma and miss having her give me a massage whenever I had a headache. Her warm, wrinkly hands never seized to make me feel better. I miss my grandmother. For the times that we'll randomly drive (she drives, of course) to get lunch/early dinner and just be in each other's company. For the times she talked me through my heartaches and gave me her words of wisdom, emphasizing that my education will be my asset and boys comes after. For the times that she takes an interest in whatever i'm doing (but i respond to her impatiently) and tries to be a part of it. For the times we just lie in bed at night and I turn over to hug her and we start our 2am chat till we both fall asleep.

These are the kind of things that i do not want to forget when i'm being agitated with her. Her love for me, for the family is so indestructible. No matter how much hurt we do or say to her, she remains so loving towards us. 

I love my grandmother. 

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn

Welcoming September & Spring with open arms.

That God once loved a garden we learn in Holy writ.
And seeing gardens in the Spring I well can credit it.